Guardian
by Mega-Erofan
Summary: After being haunted by nightmares for the past few weeks, Liao teeters on the brink between falling into insanity and succumbing to his old habit. Thankfully his one-eyed guardian has kept careful watch over him all this time but what are his true motives for watching over his fellow warrior? Warnings: Yaoi, mentions of cutting, and hints of self-harm.


The chill of the late, spring night nips at the bits of the Zhang Liao's skin not shielded by his silk, blue robes as he walks through the blooming gardens behind Luoyang Castle. Despite the bright blooms of flowers scattered about the garden lit by the half moon slowly crawling through the sky, the man's demeanor seems as dark as a moonless night sky. The General's mind had been in shambles the past few weeks due to reoccurring nightmares that never seemed to end as one after another haunted him in night after night. They started out as minor scares but quickly escalated to terrors that would cause him to wake in a cold sweat in the middle of the night and they all revolved around one battle he wished more than anything to rid the memory of in his mind: Xiapi. A few months ago, he was prepared to take his own life due to the weeks of silent suffering he endured from the memories of his former lover, blaming himself for his death at the cursed castle, and wanted more than anything to be reunited with him but he was saved by one of the least likely people to do such: Xiahou Dun.

The one-eyed man had slipped into his room without being noticed while Liao barely hung onto the bits of sanity he had left in his state of mania that would make him looked possessed if no one heard his words prior to his attempt on his own life. The older warrior had heard every word and stopped Liao, talking him to his senses and ending the cutting habit he had developed over the weeks after Xiapi. It had been nearly four months since he last took a blade to his own flesh, that in itself was an achievement, and Dun made sure to keep an eye on the other ever since that night. He would occasionally check on Liao in the evening before turning in to ensure the General never fell back to his old habits. He had not so far but with the nightmares recently it was becoming harder to resist the urges that had already developed over several weeks of suffering even after many months without daring to attempt the habit again. The more recent nightmares the General had were creepily realistic and scared him more than any of the other terrors he had over the past month. They were the reason he was wandering the castle gardens late at night in nothing more than his sleeping robes. Liao hoped a short change of scenery would help calm his mind and hopefully put an end to the nightmares even if it was for just one night.

As he wanders further into the gardens though Liao finds himself reflecting more on the past than he should have and tries to occupy his mind with something else, anything but those memories that remind him of how alone he truly was at that point and drive him to the brink of tears almost. He stops and leans against a large, blooming plum tree set in the middle of the garden and tries to settle his stirring thoughts only to palm the dagger strapped to his thigh under his silk robes, just barely feeling the dragon pattern embezzled on sheath. Even in his sleep, he kept the small weapon on his person, much more as a reminder to himself than for personal protection. The dagger had been a gift from the man he grew so close to before, the very man that was torn away from him as Xiapi, and the man whose name stirred the secret emotions within the General that no one else in his ranks thought that he even had, much less had seen him display: Sorrow, fear, remorse, anger…and loss. So deeply did he affect Liao that the sheer murmur of his name in his own thoughts sent a torrent of memories flooding through his mind, most of which would cause him to cry himself to sleep some nights while others were there to remind him of the happier times in his life before…that battle.

Liao rubs his eye to prevent the building tears from spilling and moves his gaze to the night sky, a raven black blanket littered with forever-burning sparks in the distance. Some days, when he used to enjoy star gazing, he would think back to the words he heard from an elder scholar he met as a young boy, that all those small lights in the sky were a person that has passed on and were now watching over us from the afterlife. As a boy, Liao thought it was a silly notion and simply waved it off as such but he recently began pondering over the old man's words and could understand why some people would want to believe in such things. He had even convinced himself that it was true, if only to believe that his lover was watching over him as he always did since they first met, it gave him a sort of comfort when he first began accepting his lover's demise after Xiapi. He still believed that the man he was so undyingly loyal and dedicated to all those years before was watching over him but he always felt that he was closer than the stars. He felt he was by his side as he always had been before his death.

He pulls the dagger from its sheath and cradles the blade in his hand as he tightly grips the handle, sighing solemnly as the clean, sharp blade shimmered in the moonlight as does the gold design of the dragon bellowing black smoke across the tip of the dagger. He recalls that not too long ago the blade was once stained with his own blood from many nights of abuse and even now the urges he wishes were long dormant within him beg for a taste of that sensation again, if only to distract him and help calm his mind, if only for a moment. He only stopped because he made a promise to his dear dead lover that the blade would never be used against his own flesh again. The last thing he wished to do was break such a promise to the one person he cared about most in his life, the one person he could never have again but the urge was slowly becoming harder to resist the longer he held the beautifully-crafted weapon. With a heavy sigh, he pulls back his left sleeve, revealing the healing scars scattered across his forearm, each a reminder of the pain he endured after Xiapi. He grips at his chest as a familiar ping of pain runs through him. It was starting again, the pain he suffered after losing him, the pain that turned him to the blade for comfort for many months after.

The memories he thought were long dormant suddenly flash before his eyes: every battle he ever fought, every night spent star-gazing and horseback riding, every moment spent with his dear beloved, everything he could recall before the gruesome battle almost six months ago played in the blink of an eye and vanished just as quickly. Whether the rapid flashbacks were caused by the blade or his lack of sleep as of recent he could not confirm but as he tightens his grip on the handle of the dagger he cannot help but think back on the many questions he once asked himself in his sleep-deprived mania. Could he have changed anything that had happened at Xiapi? Would he have been able to protect his love in his time of need or at least have been there for him in his final moments? If he could go back to that fateful battle, would he have been able to change Lu Bu's fate? He sighs sadly and shifts his gaze to the night sky, absent-mindedly plucking his thumb on the sharp edge of the dagger. Fate had always worked in funny ways around Liao, it killed off someone he despised more than anything, brought his lover-to-be to power, brought his love to him, and ensured their safety for many months after yet it also managed to betray Liao when that most crucial of battles came, destroying everything he knew and taking his lover away from him then it turns again and saves him from taking his own life through one of his own comrades only to turn again and curse him with these relentless nightmares. How much longer would it continue to play with him before he truly broke?

His hand tenses in agitation, causing him to nick his thumb on the blade. He pulls away from the sharp prick of pain, looking to find a small cut on his thumb that began to lightly bleed. The numbing sensation that washed through his after chilled him to the core and calmed his fraying nerves for a moment before the pain in his chest shot through him again. It felt so foreign to him after being deprived of it for many weeks but he knew these sensations all too well and something deep within him begged to feel it again. He breathes deeply as he presses a finger to the razor sharp blade then gradually applies pressure, the painful nip of the edge slowly cutting through skin and flesh sends waves of numb relief through his mind. It had been so long since he last felt this sensation take over his mind and feeling it again was almost euphoric, something no amount of wine or medical herbs could offer him. He rests his head against the tree behind him to catch his breath as he pulls the dagger away, letting his free hand fall to his side as fresh blood dripped from the small wounds on his finger and thumb. He almost forgot how such small pain could feel so good in the mind of one already pained by life itself.

"Just one cut," He thought as he looks down, raising his arm to look over the marred wrist "that's all I need to put my mind at ease for the night, just one."

He slowly brings the dagger to his wrist, the touch of cold steel on the scarred flesh sending shots of pleasure through him. He barely presses the edge of the blade into his skin when a hand roughly grabs the maimed forearm. The firm grip surprises him, wondering who would be awake at this hour and just so happened to be wandering through the garden to stop him but his wonder subsides when calloused fingers brush his messy, dark brown hair from his face, allowing him to glance at the man that had stopped him and finding it was the same man that had done so before, dressed in the familiar, blue, silk robes that he had seen time and time again. He looks away shamefully as the other gently pushes his scarred arm down.

"I thought you were going to stop this, Liao."

"I know." The General sighs, examining the dagger in his other hand to keep from looking at the other. "I guess I can't keep _every_ promise I make, Dun."

"Liao," The younger looks to his friend, meeting the stern gaze of a grass green eye behind strands of wild, black bangs then allows his gaze to shift to the ground. "You're better than this. You can't go back after all this time, I won't allow it."

"And why do you even care?" Liao huffs as he snatches his arm from the other. "From what I recall, you said I deserved to die alongside that 'monster of a lord I served'. I'm still not sure why you stopped me from ending my life all those months ago. If you think I'm as much of a beast as you thought he was then why do you care so much about what happens to me?"

"Because I didn't realize how important he was to you until that night." Dun admits. "I was foolish not to have noticed it after you joined our ranks; you lost the passion in battle you had alongside him and no one noticed. I only noticed it because I started seeing a different man than the one I saw at Xiapi all those months ago. I never realized how deeply his death disturbed you until that night. I listened to you and understood the reason for that sudden change in you. I knew then that you needed someone that would listen and understand; someone willing to help you. I realized then that I had been wrong all that time, that you truly weren't a monster and neither was Lu Bu." Liao tenses up at the mention of his former lover, turning away as tears begin to build again.

"Liao," The larger General's arms wrap around the other, a broad chin planting in the crook of the shorter man's neck. "You've come too far to go back to those ways and I won't stand by and watch you throw it all away." A calloused hand wipes a stray tear from the pale General's cheek and is soon captured by an equally pale hand. "You've done so well these past few months, what has changed that has you contemplating returning to this harmful habit?"

Liao sighs under his breath, running his sore thumb along the calloused palm of the older General's hand. "I've been having nightmares for the past month." He explains. "They seemed innocent at first but they escalated to such a degree that they felt as if they were truly happening. I've lost sleep the past few nights because of them and they're all linked to the same place." Dun hums questionable when Liao squeezes the hand in his own. "Xiapi," The arms around him tighten as he continues. "They started out so small and I thought it was simply my memories causing them but they grew worse each night until they reached a point of sheer terror these past few days. I can recall each of them vividly and expect them now but they still frighten me to the point where I wake in a cold sweat each night."

"Have you had nightmares like these before?" Dun asks.

"Yes, after a battle with Wu, I had terrible nightmares about the battle and the ambush that nearly killed me." Liao states. "I remember some nights I would wake screaming from how vivid they were, having to relive those moments night after night until they nearly drove me to the brink of insanity. No one seemed to be able to help me, not even the healers, and I was nearly driven to the point of taking my own life."

"What stopped you?"

Liao's watery gaze shifts to the ground, hot tears streaming down his cheek as he shakily sighs under his breath again. "Lu Bu," He murmurs. "At the time, we had been lovers for a month and he was growing worried. Despite us trying to keep our relations secret, he wanted to do something, anything, if it would help dissipate the nightmares. We began sharing my bed and the nightmares began to dwindle until they stopped a week or so after. At that point, our relationship was more than apparent to the other soldiers but I don't think either of us cared at that point." His gaze shifts to the dagger still gripped in his other hand as he lifts it into view. "A few weeks later, after Dong Zhuo's death, he gifted me this dagger to use for protection, so that I would never end up in such a position on the battlefield again, lest I suffer from more nightmares." He looks away as he lets his hand drop, loosening his grip on the dagger. "But even it can't protect me from them now nor can he and maybe it's what I deserve."

"Don't say that, Liao." Dun mutters, his arm tightening around the smaller warrior's chest. "You've done nothing to deserve any of the suffering you've endured."

"I was weak and ignorant to the danger that I should've seen long before the battle at Xiapi." Liao murmurs. "I blindly charged into battle and left him vulnerable to the betrayal of his own men. I should have been there to protect him, not that dancer whore." He squeezes the larger hand in his own as another tear manages to slip out. "I should've died alongside him that day."

"That's not true, Liao." Dun growls as he spins the General to face him then embraces the smaller man again. "You've never been weak. You're one of the strongest men I know, in more ways than simply those of a warrior. You've been through much more than any normal man can take before succumbing to his own blade and you've endured it all. Despite all that has occurred you still manage to hold on for the sake of someone else so selflessly." His arms tighten around the younger soldier as he continues. "And I envy Lu Bu for having such a strong, valiant man as both his General and his lover."

Liao flusters from the statement, having not heard such words in his entire life. He grabs the robes of his friend as he buries his face into the other's chest, noting the faint scent of wine and peach blossoms. He feels one arm shift to wrap around his waist while the other buries itself in his unruly, dark brown hair causing his to flush a brighter red. He had not felt the arms of another around him like this since his last night with Lu Bu and the familiarity of it all stirs a wave of bitter tears as his grip tightens on Dun's robes.

Why did he always have this affect on him? He could always put up an emotionless shield around the others and not feel any hindrance but Dun had that wordless effect to stir these emotions sealed deep within him and bring them to the surface. What was so different about him that always caused this? It could be for a variety of reasons but the most reasonable one Liao himself could think was that he truly understood. Dun saw him at his weakest and saved him when he was unable to save himself. He was the only one who knew this secret that was kept within Lu Bu's forces for so long. He knew that there was much more behind the static mask Liao always wore to hide the raw emotions that ran rampant behind it, knew of the tears that always stained his cheeks in the night and the ache within his soul that seemed eternal. He knew Liao more than any of the men he served by under his past lords knew in whole and that understanding was his only weakness.

"I know you still miss him dearly," Dun sighs, cradling the man against him as he speaks. "And I understand how much it hurts to move on but you can't dwell on the past forever. You must move on if you wish to be free from these tortures once and for all."

"How can I move on when there's nothing to move on to?" Liao murmurs, resting his head against the other's chest. "How can I recover from the bleakness of the past when the future seems just the same?"

"By opening up and ridding yourself of that emotional cloak you always use." Liao looks up at Dun with a stern but confused gaze as the other continues. "You can't find something to move on to if you can't even reveal who you truly are behind that emotionless mask you insist on using time and time again." Liao's gaze falls but is quickly diverted when Dun cups his chin and forces him to look back at him. "Why do you persist on hiding your emotions when they're slowly killing you from the inside?"

"Because only a weak man shows emotion," Liao states as his eyes shift to the side. "That's what my father taught me." Dun sighs, shifting his hand to cup Liao's cheek, the feeling of the calloused surface against his skin sending a strange pleasure through him and causing his to fluster.

"Liao,"

The General looks back at the mention of his name and soon finds himself pulled flush against Dun as a pair of firm lips softly caresses his own. He tenses in surprise from the sudden action but slowly succumbs to the other as he returns the kiss, wrapping his arms around the taller man's neck and dropping his dagger as he is pushed against the plum tree. They remain like this for another minute or so until they part for air, briefly exchanging looks of surprise before the taller of the two hums happily then pecks the other between his eyes before cradling his head against his chest.

"I think you're more of a man with emotion than you are wearing that mask of yours." Dun murmurs. Liao simply chuckles as he nuzzles against the other then allows a quiet yawn to escape him. "It's best you get to bed. I don't think you'll be having anymore of those nightmares now."

Liao nods as Dun steps back then notices the dagger on the ground and carefully retrieves it, examining the blade one last time before returning it to its sheath. "I hope so," He sighs as he stands. "But, if you wouldn't mind, I'd prefer not to sleep alone tonight, just to be safe."

"Of course," Dun chuckles then proceeds to walk through the gardens with Liao as he wraps an arm around the other's waist. "I'd be happy to be your nightly guardian."

"You mean just for tonight?"

"For tonight…and every night after,"


End file.
